Are you and your partner feeling more like roommates than romantic partners these days? Are you going through the motions of playing house but not feeling very physically or even emotionally connected?

It can be confusing and even frustrating for couples when they experience this kind of disconnect in their relationship. Especially when they can remember so fondly those earlier years of having lots of fun sex and deep conversation. What’s changed? Can we get it back, they wonder. And how?

Don’t despair! Yes, couples can find that spark again in long-term relationships, even when it’s been gone for a while.

Ellyn Bader and her husband Peter describe how this happens in their helpful Developmental Model of Couple Relationships. When two people meet and spark together they discover so many similarities. “It’s almost like we grew up together!”  The love and sex hormones testosterone and oxytocin increase dramatically in this stage and both people are initiating sex often and with abandon.  

This stage often lasts about 18 months. At that point the love and sex hormones come down to their original levels and with those rose (hormone) coloured glasses off the two individuals start to see differences between each other. In Vancouver, the stage is shortened even further because of couples moving in together so quickly due to cost of living here. The stresses of moving in spike the cortisol levels, a stress hormone, which further cut the love and sex hormones to their original levels.

When a member of the couple notices differences between them and their partner they may get anxious. According to Bader’s model, the member of the couple tries to take away this anxiety with one of two unhealthy solutions. The first is trying to make their partner seem the same as them again. “Hey, we used to go out dancing every Friday night and I still need that to feel right. Let’s go. You always want to stay in and watch tv.” This can lead to frequent arguments which further reduces emotional closeness and reduces the likelihood of good sex.

Or, the other unhealthy solution to the anxiety one experiences at noticing more differences between them and their partner is to push down the difference. They squelch it in themselves and make themselves smaller to accommodate the difference. What happens over time when they do this, however, is they start to not feel well. They aren’t getting what they need, perhaps it was them that needed to go out on Fridays to get that dopamine, that stimulation, that movement. They start to report feelings of anxiety or depression or stuckness. 

This stage of noticing differences is inevitable in all relationships. We have to go through it, can’t go around it.

If we can successfully past it we can get to the best sex and passion we have had in our relationship.

How do we do that?

Instead of trying to squelch the differences and convince the other to be us, we have to learn to come alongside ourselves and our partners. 

It involves a couples therapist helping you understand and apply a few skills:

1. Knowing what you need and want
2. Holding on to what you need and want (not squelching it) in the face of contact with your partner
3. Expressing what you need and want in a way your partner can understand
4. Getting curious about what your partner needs and wants

Come in and learn how to get to create a sustainably passionate marriage. Giving up your needs for someone isn’t sexy. Learn how to get both your needs met.

Warmly,

Natalie 

Natalie Hansen, R.C.C., Individual & Couples Therapist In New Westminster, BC

nataliehansencounselling@gmail.com